An excerpt from: DIET OF THE DEAD
An overly chewy comedy of eight pages
by Spanner
Synopsis:
A SCIENTIST and a JANITOR are trapped in a lab, with the rest of the building’s zombified inhabitants outside the door. Their nearest way out is on the other side of the building through PHARMACEUTICAL RESEARCH. Despite the supply of anti-necrotics (a slang term for a cure the lab has developed for zombification) in the pharmacy, they are sure to be so badly mangled that the cure would not help them.
Their plan to get through the dead crowd intact involves contracting the pathogen deliberately so the zombies will let them pass, then cure themselves once inside the pharmacy. In order to infect themselves without being eaten, however, they must eat a zombie!
A darkly comical affair ensues as they go through with the abortive plan, but once the pathogen begins to work, they find their appetites change and zombie flesh holds an unexpected appeal…
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PAGE ONE (4 panels) - A dank, sizeable broom cupboard, with shelves against the back wall, cleaning equipment etc.
Panel 1. We can see a scientist (DALE) holding a short surgical saw and a janitor (MELVIN) holding a sweeping brush. They are looking toward us. From the sides of the panel are two chained up arms reaching for DALE and MELVIN.
MELVIN: WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE A LEG?
DALE: COMBINATION OF FACTORS, REALLY. IT’S THE FURTHEST LIMB FROM THE MOUTH, WE NEED ENOUGH FOR BOTH OF US AND I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS TWICE. READY?
MELVIN (linked): READY LIKE DEADY FREDDY.
Panel 2. Looking directly down on the three characters. There is a FEMALE ZOMBIE chained to the wall by its wrists. MELVIN has the head of his sweeping brush into its neck and is holding its head against the wall so it can’t move. DALE has knelt down and pinned its foot between his knees.
MELVIN: HOW LONG’S THIS GONNA TAKE?
DALE: WELL, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I’VE CUT SOMEONE’S LEG OFF, BUT IF I HAD TO GUESS, I’D SAY THREE MINUTES.
Panel 3. Looking slightly upward from DALE’S level so we can see the ZOMBIE’S and MELVIN’S faces at the top of the panel. DALE is about a third of the way through the leg and sweat is running down his face. The ZOMBIE is thrashing and MELVIN still has it pinned with his brush.
CAP: 15 MINUTES LATER
MELVIN: IS THAT SAW BLUNT OR SOMETHING?
DALE: IT’S NO GOOD, I’M KNACKERED. YOU’LL HAVE TO DO A TURN.
MELVIN (linked): SHIFT OUT OF THE WAY, PUSSY.
Panel 4. Same shot as last panel. The saw is about three quarters of the way through the leg and is just stuck there while MELVIN takes a breather and wipes the sweat from his face with his sleeve.
CAP: ANOTHER 15 MINUTES LATER
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PAGE TWO (5 panels) - Broom cupboard.
Panel 1. The ZOMBIE’S thrashing snaps the brush handle DALE is using to pin its head to the wall. The leg is still not cut through, but is bending open where the cut is. MELVIN is falling backwards.
DALE: SHITE! WATCH OUT!
MELVIN: AHHH, NO!
Panel 2. Looking from behind and slightly above the two men, we can see the zombie through the gap between them. DALE is looking at the saw still jammed in the zombie’s leg. MELVIN is holding the two halves of his brush and looking at them. The zombie is reaching for them with its leg gaping half way up the thigh.
DALE: NOW WHAT?
MELVIN: THAT WAS MY FAVOURITE BRUSH, MAN.
Panel 3. Looking toward the two men from just behind the ZOMBIE’S leg. On the left of the panel we can see the cut in the zombie’s leg with the saw jammed in it. MELVIN is pointing at the zombie’s leg with a determined expression.
MELVIN: ALRIGHT, LOOK. THE LEG’S NEARLY THROUGH. GRAB HOLD AND WE’LL RIP THE BLOODY THING OFF.
Panel 4. Looking from behind and to the left of the two men. Both men have hold of the zombie’s lower leg and are pulling. MELVIN has turned to face the way he is pulling (‘toward us’), while DALE is looking straight up. Both men are visibly straining. The zombie is lifted horizontally off the floor and is stretched out between its chained wrists and the leg the two men are trying to rip off. It has stopped snarling and is looking at us out of the panel with a perplexed expression.
MELVIN: PUT YER BACK INTO IT!
MELVIN (linked): YES! IT’S COMING!
Panel 5. Looking toward the two men as the leg comes off. MELVIN has hold of the shin and the gory top end of the leg slaps DALE in the face.
SFX: SKLUTCH
DALE: UURGH!
MELVIN: WEY HEY!
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PAGE THREE (1 panel and title page) - Doorway of broom cupboard and lab.
Panel 1. Full frame of the two men stood in a wide doorway as they come out of the broom cupboard. DALE is leaning against the frame looking nauseated, with blood and leg bits all over his face. MELVIN is just in front of him, holding the leg, and looking at it with an expression that suggests he is impressed with himself. Behind them we can just see the one legged zombie hanging from its wrist chain since it can’t stand up anymore. The room they are entering is not like the dark store room where the zombie is chained up. This is a sterile laboratory, slightly futuristic in appearance with white floors, ceilings and walls and no sharp corners. The pair are getting blood all over the place.
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PAGE FOUR (3 panels, full page width) - A spacious kitchen with a long, elongated window directly above the work surface.
Panel 1. The leg is laid out across the kitchen worktop. We are looking directly at them from the other side of the counter, as if we were watching a cooking show and they are the chefs. There is a large pan of boiling water on the cooker behind them. MELVIN has a large kitchen knife and is looking at DALE with a cheeky grin on his face.
MELVIN: HEY DALE. WHY DON’T ZOMBIES HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOUR?
DALE: WHAT?
MELVIN (linked): IT’S A JOKE! ASK ME WHY THEY DON’T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOUR.
DALE: PLEASE SHUT UP.
Panel 2. Same shot as previous panel. MELVIN still has his face held in a stupid wide grin and DALE is pinching the bridge of his nose with his eyes pressed shut.
MELVIN: BECAUSE WHEN YOU PULL THEIR LEG, IT FALLS OFF!
MELVIN (linked): MAN, I HOPE THERE ARE SURVIVORS SO I CAN TELL THAT JOKE WHEN WE GET OUT OF HERE.
Panel 3. Same shot as previous panel. MELVIN’S grin has turned into annoyance at DALE’S lack of humour and he has taken hold of the top end of the severed leg and is getting ready to slice it with his knife. DALE has turned round to the pan of water and is grinding pepper into it as he looks over his shoulder to talk to MELVIN.
DALE: LOOK, OUR ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH PHARMACEUTICAL RESEARCH ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BUILDING. WE NEED TO GET ON.
MELVIN: HUMPH. DEREK FROM BIOLOGICAL ENGINEERING WOULD’VE CREASED HIMSELF AT THAT ONE.
DALE (linked): YEAH? WELL HE’S RIGHT OUTSIDE THAT DOOR! GO AND TELL HIM!
MELVIN (linked): OKAY, RELAX. JESUS…
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